"And where can you lay your hands on this useless technology, I hear you ask? We're releasing a range of solution-looking-for-a-problem items to crowdfunding sites – although we appear to have some stiff competition there. It will repeatedly tell you you're going the wrong way until at some random point it will tell you that you can have it your own way, after which it will lapse into an uncomfortable silence and then – when you reach your destination two and a half hours late – it will look back through your partner's social media relationship history, and just as you turn your vehicle off, whisper, 'I knew I should have married Peter'." It will shout at you as you approach an intersection if you don't look like you're taking the correct turnoff. Our latest GPS implementation will eliminate the need for a travelling companion. "But not all our devices are totally useless. It also comes with a device that periodically crashes, needs plugging into the wall somewhere, needs a debug port and occasionally changes your geographic location to Harare." In the old days we'd call that a window with a thermometer outside but we've streamlined that with a device that uses 140 watts of power 24x7, even though you only look at it for about five seconds a day. "We also have a smart mirror which will tell you in real time, the time, weather and the outside air temperature. BOFH: Here he comes, all wide-eyed with the boundless optimism of youth.BOFH: Rome, I have been thy soldier 40 years.
BOFH: But soft! What light through yonder filing cabinet breaks?.BOFH: They say you either love it or you hate it.In the olden days you would need to establish this with long-winded and convoluted conversation involving problematic communication cues – however you can now tell at a glance how likely it is that you will be murdered in your sleep." This lamp will change colour to denote the secondary user's mood to the primary user.
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We have a device which will pair with your phone and will send a message to an LCD panel in front of one of your security cameras outside which will then be visible when you flick your smart TV over to your security channel." "I know what you're thinking: 'But my phone is on the kitchen counter, right next to the fridge and my smartwatch is still on the shelf by the shower and here I am on the sofa – whatever am I to do?' "A device which will tell you whether you're running low on milk in your fridge! Now in the past we might have called this a door, but now we have a layered set of technologies which can do this for you and send the answer to your mobile phone." There's a couple of murmurs from the audience, but most of the rest lean forward to hear more. I'd like to introduce you to The Internet of Useless Things." "I'm here today to unveil a multi-layered technology that is already known to some, but has till now been mislabelled. Our conversation is interrupted by the start of ceremonies.Īfter a light meal and some heavy lagers I'm invited up for the keynote address. That bloke over there is a consultant who co-ordinates power adapter design so that no two adapters are ever the same size, ensuring that not even a Tetris master can plug them into a multi-box without clashes." "So it's industry greats then?" the PFY asks. Like one on those touch-free bathroom hand dryers outlining how they ensure that the users HAVE to touch them multiple times just to get them to operate." "Yeah, it's a patent tied to a proper patent which describes what the product will actually do, not what the patent says it will do. He also made that easy-release double-sided tape which will either fall off in ten minutes or take half the wall off when you come to try and remove it. His team developed the packing tape that won't stick to a parcel for more than 30 minutes but will stick to your shoe like it's been welded on. The weedy bloke over in the far corner …" "So we're in a collection of the IT greats then?" the PFY asks. "Several people have, which is how his teeth got that way."
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He's the one who developed the Windows 10 update process timing to shut down your machine just when you're in the middle of something important." "And him," I say, pointing to a figure in the distance.